Dear Meteorologists, (even though it appears that what you do has very little do with science & more with fashion, ahem)

In the past week or so I’ve heard, “It’s going to be a great night for sleeping!” at least 300 times. It is?? Wow! Thank you meteorologists, I appreciate the heads up. Maybe it will be a great night for sleeping!

Said no one in this house, ever.

You think low temps and “a cold front coming in from Canada” make for a great night of sleeping? I used to think that too until I woke up standing in the corner of my bedroom with my back to the rest of the room. So, together, how about we make a list for what constitutes a great night for sleeping, shall we?

1. Absolute darkness. I’m talking pitch-fucking-black in the bedroom. Any ray of moonlight sneaking in through the blinds looks like a knife, a dagger, a middle ages sword, possibly even a ray of light from an alien spaceship.

2. No noise (with the possible exception of an air conditioner, but that’ll take 2 months to get used to). I don’t want to hear ANY noise in the bedroom, anything that makes a loud noise in the night could be a home intruder, a rapist, a regular person, or a turtle.

3. Cold, cold air. That cold front from Canada you were talking about – send that directly into my bedroom and we’ll call it even. The room needs to be sub-zero to make it habitable for me because my body temperature tops off around 1,ooo degrees.

4. A really awesome, possibly down, but definitely cold pillow. It doesn’t matter that I never wake up laying on my pillow or that it can end up at the foot of the bed or on the floor next to me, I need to lay my head down at night on a slab of goose feathers that have been killed to placate my sleepy happiness. If I do happen to wake up in the night, I need to be able to flip that bitch over and cool off a little.

5. A good solid lock on the door is important. I need to be able to wake up, freak out about something, shine my cell phone light around the room, and then remember that the door is firmly locked (in two places) to be able to get back to sleep.

 

So Meterologists, now we all officially understand what it really takes to have a good night of sleep. Cold fronts? Lack of humidity? They’re all well and good, but open windows and people having access to your room does not a good night of sleep make. Maybe let’s tone down the sleep talk and worry more about the actual weather. Or how skinny you can get your arms to look for the next segment. Either, I guess.