This week I turned 27. Yikes.

All that aging stuff is fine and whatever, but you like to think that when you’re three years shy of 30 you’ll have a couple of things figured out.

Like how to put your clothes on.

It’s no secret that every once in a while it takes me until about 3pm to discover I have my shirt on backwards. I’m talking about sweaters and shirts that have the same front and backs, not Kriss Kross level backwards overalls or pants.

And as that old saying goes, if you can’t dress yourself when you’re awake, don’t expect to understand the concept when you’re sleep walking. Or it goes something like that. I should probably read more.

Over the past couple days we’ve noticed a few ants living in our bathroom. How they could possibly live in a pink and black bathroom, I’ll never understand, but I’ve seen a few come and go. Before I went to bed last night I took a look around after thoroughly cleaning the floors, just to see if any had survived the lysol attack.

It was all clean.

Around 1:30am last night I woke up and saw ants living in an ant farm above my pillow, sort of built in to my headboard. They were contained to their little habitat, (and weren’t really there) so I slapped Kevin in the back and told him I found some more ants. I actually yelled, “I found ants! Let me put my sweater on and then I’ll show them to you!”

Kevin didn’t say anything.

I was really excited. I flung my legs over the side of the bed and picked up my sweater to get dressed for the ant inspection. I turned it around in my hands about 40 times, I couldn’t find the head hole. I pulled the sleeves inside out, and then pulled them through the neck. I couldn’t remember how to wear a shirt.

I couldn’t understand why there were so many holes in the sweater. Where did my arms go? Why were the sleeves so long?

After a while I held the sweater up to the window to see if I was trying to put pants on as a shirt again and half woke up.

I remember saying, “Fuck this sweater. How am I supposed to wear this? The ants are getting away.”

The ants are getting away.

I remember turning back to Kevin and telling him to go back to sleep, I couldn’t get dressed so I couldn’t show him the ants. I assured him that they’d probably come back, but I couldn’t be sure. He seemed okay with it. I woke up a little and ran my hand along the headboard just to make sure, but I was right. They all got away.